Well girls, Christmas is over, and it’s time to get back on that grind. I’ve spent the majority of the last few days smoking rollies and listening to Doja Cat, so I’m feeling particularly inspired.

I’ve been at home in Belfast for a while now, and I must say, I absolutely fancy literally every single man in this city. Bus drivers, taxi men, the greengrocer on my street. I fancy them all. The accent. The way they say, “alright love?” in that high-pitched, squeaky voice. Surrounded by such a bounty of delicious Northern men, I have never been more motivated to continue my life’s ultimate quest: making everyone fancy me. 

In part one of this series, we discussed steps 0 – 2.5. These steps covered all preliminary activity: everything leading up to and including the moment that you meet a man. Now it’s  time to get down to the serious stuff – how to make men instantly find you irresistible, how to make them fancy you on a first date, how to keep making them fancy you on the second date, and for a sustained period of time after that. 

As I stated in my previous post, this is not a “be yourself” situation. I’m talking mass appeal here. I’m talking about how to make literally every man fancy you. My only real instinct in life has been to try to make all men fancy me, (the holidays are a time for honesty, people, deal with it) so I’ve carried out extensive research in this area. I’ve failed more often than I have succeeded in making boys fall in love with me, of course, but I have enough experience in this area to recognise general trends. Overall, I know what works and what doesn’t. 

If you’ve completed the preliminary steps outlined in my previous post – fancy yourself, display your bod at any opportunity, don’t bring up any of your opinions, always ask for a lighter – then the rest of these steps should be a cake walk. First, it’s essential that we cover some hot first date tips.

First dates are an absolute lottery. Most first dates nowadays happen via Tinder, Bumble, whatever, so a first date is often a first meeting. You never know who’s going to show up. Often, I swipe right on a boy for one tiny thing. For example, I love a pigeon-toed man, and if I can tell that his feet stick inwards in his pictures I’ll go on a date with him based on that fact alone. Speech impediments, too, are a huge draw for me, so if a man even looks like he has one, I’ll go out with him for sure. I know absolutely nothing else about the man. I might accidentally wind up on a date with a Tory or a Camel Blue smoker or a die hard Joyce fan. You never know who you’re going to be with for those three hours, so steps 3 – 6 provide the groundwork for a repertoire of solid, staple techniques that ensure your appeal, whether the man turns out to be a marathon runner or a drug dealer or a big commie. Of course, steps 3 – 6 are also applicable throughout your relationships, but on a first date, they are particularly useful.

STEP 3 – USE YOUR HEAD

I’m going to say this, and it’s going to sound really basic, but I want you to take it on board. Smile. Smile like no one has smiled before. Smile for as long as you possibly can. Laugh at literally everything he says. If possible, smile to the point of almost-laughter at all times. This is a three-pronged approach. Firstly, it’s a confidence boost for him if he’s trying to be charming and you look really pleased all the time. He’ll think he’s being really entertaining and amusing. I mean, I wish people would humour me by laughing at everything I say. What a treat.

Secondly, if he’s not trying to be funny but you’re still smiling like a lunatic, you look mysterious. He’s thinking: “Wow, she looks so entertained. What’s so funny? It’s like she’s got a secret, her mind is so fascinating, she’s just like those girls in novels and movies that uplift their sad male love interests.” I have no evidence that this is what he’s thinking, but my gut tells me I’m right. 

Thirdly, some people really be nervous on dates. I don’t fully understand why, but it do be like that. By smiling at all times, you’re letting this boy know that you are entirely unfazed. His obvious nerves don’t bother you. You haven’t even noticed. You’re having such a rip-roaring time in his company. 

Smiling is, in my experience, the most useful facial tool on a first date. However, as a Leo, my hair is also a very useful prop. I always arrive with my hair up, and then as I enter the venue, I dramatically take it down, ensuring that it’s at full volume and somewhat windswept upon first meeting. I also, to be perfectly honest, absolutely love a hair flip, and find that this action is improved by the addition of a spritz of perfume in the hair. 

Last week, I was on a date with a boy, and a lady came to sit with us in the smoking area. She, an icon, demanded that I take my hair out of my ponytail. When I did, she said “wow” and began to touch it. She demanded that my date also compliment my hair. It was a moment of euphoria, as you can imagine. It also goes to show the sheer impact of a hair powerplay.

STEP 4 – MOVEMENT IS KEY

One must also pay attention to the way one walks. Walk like you’re in a music video, you want to be bouncy – like how a head cheerleader would walk in a movie. As someone who is long-practiced in the art of fancying myself – which is synonymous with the art of pretending to be in a music video at all times – this is second nature to me now. Even before I put years of work into fancying myself, my friends often told me I strutted around like I owned the place.

This is not only relevant on a first date, but at all times. I vividly remember two of my high school boyfriends commenting on my ridiculous walking tendencies. They noted that it set me apart. In fact, one of them said that the way in which I entered a room was enough to make everyone else in the room feel unwelcome. I believe I have toned it down since then, but there’s no question that a distinctive, bouncy walk will enhance your “wow” factor. 

You’ll know you’re doing it right when your ponytail, of its own accord, swings to and fro in time with your stride. On my most recent date, I knew my walk was really popping off when my love interest for the night commented on the absurd swing of my hair. Success, ladies. 

STEP 5 – COMMON GROUND

My dating pool is, unsurprisingly, Irish men between the age of 25 and 30ish. It helps that, in this arena, I know my audience. I have two brothers aged 27 and 31, and I grew up on whatever they grew up on. This means I have great knowledge of what men that age care about. 

You remember that, when meeting a man, you shouldn’t bring up your own opinions? Well, to take this to the next level, you should imply that your opinions are their opinions. While it’s difficult to predict and then mirror a man’s political views or his current interests, it’s amazingly easy to estimate the greatest influences on his childhood.

This is, to be perfectly honest, a total gamechanger. If a man was born between 1989 and 1994, a few things were sure to rule his childhood. In bringing up these select interests, you’re creating the illusion of a very deep connection.

I can’t stress enough, WWF/WWE (World Wrestling Federation or World Wrestling Entertainment, depending on your persuasion) has been a primary topic of conversation on almost all of my dates. Men still care deeply about their favourite wrestlers, despite the fact they haven’t watched that kind of shite in years. 

Other important topics of conversation include Alien Vs Predator, Radiohead’s oeuvre, and computer games like Soulcalibur and Mortal Kombat. Know your audience, girls. 

 STEP 6 – NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS

When your date inevitably leaves the table to get a drink or go to the toilet, quickly message your girls group chat with whatever information is totally necessary, but then put your phone away. When your love interest returns, you should not have your head down with your face illuminated by the luminous blue light of your phone. Looks ugly. While on your phone, you’ve got bad posture and you look bored. Fuck that noise. Look around yourself, you’re a people watcher, you take an interest in the world around you, you’re not like other girls. (Of course, you actually are like other girls, and thank God for that, but he doesn’t want to know that information).

STEP 7 – THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE

Right, this is a bit rogue, but I’m convinced it works. At random intervals, whisper. As in, mid-conversation, start whispering. For example, he says “aw I love Avengers,” and then you, in a tiny voice, whisper, “yeah, the Hulk’s my favourite.” He’ll never know why you’ve done it. Mysterious vibes in a big way. 

STEP 8 – LONG TERM 

For a triumphant long-term run, there are a few boxes you need to tick if you want to be absolutely sure of your success. Never talk about anything controversial, don’t say “I love you” first, for the love of GOD don’t let him know you want to be his girlfriend. Basically, I find that passivity and aloofness are key. If you’d like a long term, stable, committed relationship, just don’t imply you want any of the above, and you’re on the right track. 

STEP 9 – THE ULTIMATE MOVE

There is only one way to ensure that a boy will fancy you forever. Never, ever sleep with him. If you want to make someone fancy you for their entire life, execute all of the above steps, but never seal the deal. He’s sure to maintain his interest, though probably from afar. Of course, this information has come to my attention accidentally. If things worked out my way, the boys I have actually wanted to marry would still fancy me. As it stands, only the boys I know are very much Not Mr Right have fancied me for a sustained period of time. 

Needless to say, you probably don’t want to be in a situation that involves someone you don’t want to sleep with having a huge crush on you, but if you do find this appealing, then it’s simple. Just don’t sleep with him, and you’ll ensure his interest for years. 

If you follow all of these steps, I am entirely sure that a wide array of men will fancy you. Of course, now that you girls know what is entailed in the process, I’m sure many of you will decide to avoid all of these steps and simply enjoy your lives instead. The choice is yours. Girls, go forth into 2020, follow your heart, shift people, and as always, live, laugh, love