Listen girls, I know I’ve been quiet for a while. I know it’s unacceptable that I disappeared during the horniest, most isolated, most difficult-for-dating era of our lives. The good news is that a Sex and the City reboot has been announced, and while Kim Catrall may have boycotted the rebirth of SATC, I couldn’t help but view this relaunch as a sign from God. I’m back, and I’m here to guide you through the most bizarre dating ecosystem of all time. 

The world is a hopeless abyss at the moment, and I cannot in good conscience give you my usual advice. Asking a sexy man for a lighter, meeting up with boys from Tinder at every available opportunity, approaching men you don’t know and acting like you’ve mistaken them for an old friend – all of these trusty techniques are now defunct. 

However, the vaccine is here and we’re going to be out of quarantine and into an extremely sexually-fuelled version of reality in a matter of months. This means that we must prepare. The world is going to be a hive of nervous energy and pent up sexual frustrations. Almost everyone has been an incel for the last year, and I am personally concerned that people will be inclined to give into the inertia and stay celebate – even when sex is legal again. Production of the Sex and the City reboot is due to start in late spring. As this is happening, I intend to make sure that every woman in the world is ready to cast off her 2020 incel identities and get back to the pursuit of Mr Right.

This preparation guide includes many fun and sexy tips to ensure that your inevitable weird feelings about seeing and shifting new people do not stand in the way of your pursuit of Mr Right. Moreover, by preparing to resume your pursuit of Mr Right in a few months, you will inevitably restore a sense of purpose in your everyday habits. Thus, this guide not only prepares one for the dating market, but in fact holds deep, meaningful value, as a toolkit for restoring hope in the abyss of a third national lockdown. 

I should disclose, at this stage, that I am one of those people who got cuffed during those few months in Summer when things were kind of normal, so I actually have some updated experience-based tips and tricks. 

Without further ado, I present to you an exhaustive guide for how to prepare for the resumption of your pursuit of Mr Right. 

Physical Preparation 

1. Become Really Attractive

It’s absolutely time to become really, really good looking. You’ve got so much room to experiment. Let me be clear – I am not talking about living a healthy balanced lifestyle and losing weight or getting muscley or whatever. No, no, no. I’m exclusively talking about self-indulgent makeover mode. We currently have a solid few months to figure out, as a generation of young women, how to make our hair sit like this:

If we do not achieve this, we have only ourselves the blame. An army of teenage girls on Tiktok are posting tutorials for us. We need to re-emerge, united, drunk with power and confidence because we have mastered this look. Obviously, we’ll look really sexy to all men if we can make our hair look like this. More importantly, however, we’ll be chockablock FULL of self-admiration. 

In addition to learning how to do the perfect 1970s bouncy hair-do, I would also recommend buying a UV nail light, experimenting with some new tanning practices, and working on your bouncy walk – I want to see your ponytail swinging as you storm past me on the street, ladies.

2. Take Up Smoking

It’s almost time to celebrate the end of a respiratory illness sweeping the world, and when the time comes, you should be practised in the art of smoking cigarettes. This is self explanatory – smoking is sexy and elegant, and it provides you with the perfect (read: the only) valid excuse to approach a man. “Sorry, d’you have a lighter?” should be constantly echoing around the streets of Dublin as soon as we’re vaccinated, girls.  

3. Learn How to do the Splits

This is an unusual one. Basically, I want you to learn how to do the splits because I think it’s the ultimate confidence boost. Hear me out. There was a trend on TikTok a few months ago in which young women would post a video of themselves doing the splits and would imply that their ability to the splits was all they ever needed to secure the interest of a man. I personally don’t actually think that being able to do the splits would be altogether super relevant in the bedroom, BUT if you are able to do the splits you automatically give off the impression that you’re good at sex. I only ever managed to do the splits successfully once, but I did get a love interest three days later. Coincidence? You tell me. 

Mental Preparation

1. Fancying Oneself

My number one tip has always been to fancy yourself. For the first time, however, we all have the time to fully commit to this mission. The stars have aligned. I encourage you to imagine the next few months as a montage. Imagine Saweetie and Doja Cat’s “Best Friend” playing over a video clip of you dancing around your room, another clip of you trying on different sexy outfits, another clip of you trying out different hairstyles. By the end of the montage, you’re an amazingly confident and all round dazzling young lady. 

You know that bit in A Cinderella Story when Sam appears in the boys’ locker room in her sexy wee maroon zip-up hoody and she finally has the confidence to say what she needs to say, and as a result she secures Chad Michael Murray. Well, I want you to imagine that when you finally leave your house without a mask on, you’re in a similar mental position. You’re feeling assertive, you’re feeling confident enough to expose the lower section of your midriff, and you’re on a mission to get a man on your own terms. 

In order to achieve an optimal level of self-fancying, I recommend the following: apply some fake tan, listen to this playlist, learn some TikTok dances, go for a five minute jog wearing an unnecessarily sexy outfit and imagine you’re in a music video, and, finally, rewatch Sex and the City from start to finish. 

2. Hobbies, Activities, and Interests

Dating is going to be really weird for a while. Not only because people will have forgotten how to interact with strangers, but also because most people haven’t done a single thing or had a single thought in about a year. This means that date conversation will be trickier than ever before. There are two different approaches to this issue.

The first is that you develop some hobbies and interests of your own. If you decide to find some things you like to do, you’ll have something to say on your many post-covid dates. Maybe you should get into painting or crosswords or reading. If you decide to pick up any hobby or interest in the next few months, you’ll be among the most impressive people in the world, and you’ll have something to talk about when you’re finally able to go on dates again.

BUT. There is a more extreme version of this tactic. You could use this time to specifically become interested in and involved with things that men like. Imagine you emerge onto the dating scene in, let’s say, June 2021. Now, imagine that you not only have hobbies and interests, but you have a wealth of knowledge on men’s interests. 

For example, you could use this time to watch some WWE wrestling videos – all men aged 25 – 30 watched this stuff growing up, and if you know about it they’ll feel like you understand them on an emotional level. Or imagine you spend this time watching man movies – stuff like Shutter Island and The Prestige and No Country for Old Men. Or imagine you spend this time listening to MF Doom’s back catalogue. If you can achieve this, you will be able to not only smile and nod as men go on about their interests, you’ll also be able to pass as someone who knows and cares about these things. You mightn’t be true to yourself as you engage in this strategy, but you will undoubtedly become one of the most appealing women in the world. 

3. Get back into Flirting 

I know this one is challenging, because realistically you’re not going to be in a position to flirt with sexy young people anytime soon. However, I think that practicing flirting is vital as we prepare to re-enter the dating market. A lot of people get real nervous about flirting at the best of times, so I can only imagine how bad the flirting landscape will be when we emerge after a year in isolation. 

Here’s what you can do to get back into the way of it before we’re legally allowed to get back into the way of it. Flirt with the checkout men at Aldi, flirt with your local coffee shop man, flirt with the bank when you’re on the phone to them, flirt with literally every person you come into contact with. I know what you’re thinking: “Susie! How can I flirt with a mask on! You’re a lunatic!” Well, girls, I’m of the opinion that masks actually make interactions flirtier. Everyone’s focused on your sexy, enticing eyes. Lean into it. Smize. Make sure that Aldi checkout man goes home after work tortured by thoughts of what you look like behind the mask. 

Post-covid dating conclusions

I guarantee that if you follow these steps you will not only be prepared for the dating market when it opens up again, but you’ll also find a restored sense of purpose in your life. Mr Right is out there, girls. And right now, he’s a miserable incel, just waiting for you to storm into his life with your bouncy hair and peppy attitude.