Allow me to set the scene: I’m in a bikini top and pyjama shorts and still sweating buckets due to the unearthly heat in Dublin today, there are ten people chain smoking in my sitting room, and we’ve just set a series of traps in the corridor because we discovered an enormous rat in the house last night. 

And yet, I’m in heaven. Love island is on and now that my journo exams are over, I finally have the opportunity to funnel all my energy into providing in-depth analysis of every episode.  

First thing’s first, I have got to get this off my chest. It is disturbing to tune in every night and see Lucinda continue to masquerade as an infant. She is quite literally impersonating someone who’s learning to speak. Something is so wrong with the world. I know this year Love Island was teasing diversity, but I didn’t expect representation for the baby cosplay community. Wee CGI Renesmee Cullen shouldn’t be the most desired woman in the villa while normal adult women – including gorgeous legend Kaz – roam around the villa, apparently invisible to the male islanders.

Chloe speaks like she is drowning. She gargles words in her throat. Each syllable pains her as she pushes it unwillingly from her throat. This is not a new observation but I couldn’t be silent on the matter. I can hear the muscles in her neck straining with every sound. 

An aside: it’s underrated that Chloe told all the girls about the size of Toby’s penis. Not on. You don’t agree to do bits with someone on the understanding that they’re going to tell everyone about your privates. Especially not on TV. She so obviously doesn’t even like that man, she has no rights to be telling the world about his privates. Love island is family-friendly these days – if we don’t get to see people having sex on top of the covers, we shouldn’t get to hear about their genitals in such detail. Read the room, Chloe.

Though the boys rarely provide any content worth commenting on, I must admit Brad’s absence brings me joy. What a relief to have the most boring man in the world out of the villa, off my tv, and back in his granny’s house where he belongs.

AJ referencing the importance of “testing” when talking to Teddy is striking to me. Has covid vernacular slipped into the villa? What else could be the cause of this 500% increase in discussion of testing? 

Additionally, that lady is either a certified liar or she has brain worms. How do I know this already? She said: “All my best relationships have been with Aries men.” What the fuck? 

Hugo says just wants a girl to playfully box him like Libby boxes her evil rat of a love interest, Jake. Can it be done? New girl in the villa who allegedly fancies him and a confession of lust from Sharon, yet Hugo has not been moved to action. I’d also like to make my position clear: I really, really don’t care about Hugo. He’s fine. Can’t get on board with this whole “poor Hugo he’s so nice” bandwagon. Just a man.

Favourite thing anyone said all night is obviously Faye’s compliment/insult to AJ: “Wow, look at you walking up the steps.” Will be saying that to the rat in my house when he inevitably appears tonight.

If Teddy sacks off Faye I will take to the streets and tear up the pavements of Dublin with my bare hands. Faye is perfect to me for a number of reasons. It goes without saying that she’s the funniest and cleverest person in the villa. Most importantly, however, she looks like Katie Price. I miss the days of real glamour models. Not a BBL in sight, just perfectly conical tits and vibes. Katie Price was my sexual awakening. I dreamt of her often when I was little. To see Faye on our screens is to remember a better, sexier time. She deserves a man who urgently wants her. 

Nothing to say about Kaz’s date with the new guy. Obviously she deserves the world – we’re all on the same page about this. Until 9pm tomorrow, I will live peacefully, unaware of his flaws, hoping that he’s perfect in every imaginable sense.