It’s commonly accepted that people in relationships are smug to the point of insufferability. If we take a look at the most important text of the last hundred years, Bridget Jones’s Diary, we can immediately see that smugness is a curse upon people in relationships and their long-suffering friends. Bridget asserts that “smug marrieds don’t know how to relate to individuals any more.” She believes that “they really do want to patronize us and make us feel like failed human beings.” If you’re reading this, I assume you are a sexy, youthful 20-something, and you’re probably not hanging out with smug marrieds yet. However, I propose that smug people in relationships in their early twenties are even worse than smug marrieds. 

As 20-somethings, we should be able to keep smugness at bay. Having a man come to your house four times a week to smoke weed and have sex is literally nothing to be proud of. Smug marrieds at least have a leg to stand on – managing to marry someone, yeah, ok, well done. Managing to get a boyfriend when you’re young and gorgeous and willing to put up with almost anything – urgently, get over yourself.  

I do understand, however, that when you’ve spent a few years sex-starved and dealing with awful Tinder dates in freezing cold Dublin smoking areas, it’s going to feel good to have a man. This guide is here because it seems that no one understands when they’ve become smug, why it’s so insufferable to be smug in love, and how to talk about their relationships without being a total dickhead. I’m also including the all-important ‘how to tell your best friend she has become smug in love,’ because God knows it’s hard to listen to a person who used to be smart and interesting droning on and on about what to get their boyfriend for their three-month-iversary. 

1. The early days: how much should I be talking about that man?

For a long time, I have been encouraging you to go on dates with men solely so you can provide entertaining content for your friends. I stand by this. The first five dates are juicy. Your friends are definitely really interested in hearing about this part of your romantic journey. Once this man is no longer a new and exciting side character in your life, however, you’ve got to stop updating your friends every time you see him. I would venture to say that once it’s been confirmed that he likes you and you like him, you should start shutting up about it. 

When it becomes clear that the man is not a novelty, but is in fact a valued person in your life, your friends should absolutely not have to hear about him. Maybe that sounds a bit brutal, but it makes sense. The fact is that when you first start seeing someone, you’ll be submitting information to your friends for review. Your accounts will be honest and you’ll be eager to hear what your friends think. 

For example: let’s say my friend Geri comes home from a second date and tells me that the man showed up in a t-shirt that says “DRIP.” She is giving me this information because she wants to know if I think it’s a deal breaker. I can advise her. It’s a collaborative process and it’s exciting for both parties. 

However, if Geri continues to see the “DRIP” t-shirt man, and she becomes sincerely invested in him, she will no longer submit information to me for review. She cares about him, she wants to keep him. This means that she can’t betray his trust by telling me everything candidly (and rightly so, you should obviously respect your boyfriend’s privacy). This means, however, that what she does tell me is a skewed portrait, and she has no interest in what I actually think. In essence, the conversation becomes totally dry. If you are not interested in your friends’ honest opinions about your boyfriend, the most logical thing to do is to stop talking about him. 

2. When is it okay to talk about my long-term boyfriend?

We’ve established that boyfriend content is not the same as date content. Boyfriend content is smug and boring, date content is sexy and fun. Be that as it may, your boyfriend is part of your life, and you should be able to keep your friends in the loop. There is a very specific set of rules for when/how to talk about your boyfriend without becoming insufferable. 

Firstly, I recommend that you choose one very close friend with whom you discuss your boyfriend. You’re allowed to tell this one close friend if something really nice has happened. As in, if your boyfriend is really on his general man shit and you are so happy you could burst, you are allowed to mention this to your one close friend. You MUST remember that she is not required to respond with excitement. If she literally just says, “that’s good,” that is totally acceptable. You don’t need validation right now. Validation exists in the very fact that your boyfriend is being a general man, you don’t need congratulations for this. 

BUT, I cannot stress this enough, it is always ok to talk about your boyfriend if he’s being a real shit. If you have a sincere relationship problem and you are in a position to take advice, it is absolutely ok to ask your chosen close friend. It’s not smug to be asking the girls for help.

I believe that the topic of sex deserves a moment here. Allow me to set the record straight. Casual sex? Your friends want to hear about that. Bad sex with your boyfriend and you don’t know what to do about it? Your friends want to hear about it. Good, loving, passionate, regular sex with your boyfriend? Absolutely no one wants to know about that. Ever. 

3. How do I avoid becoming smug in love?

This is so straightforward, and yet so many of us miss the mark. If you stay up-to-date with and show genuine interest in your friends’ lives, you’re in the clear. Remember that, even if you love your boyfriend, your friends don’t. They love the things they were interested in before you started seeing him. Stay in the loop. Ask your friends questions about their lives. Ask them about the dates they’re going on or the boys they’re messaging on Tinder. Remember that their interpersonal relationships (with their families, their other friends, the people they’re casually dating, their dissertation supervisors) are just as important as your relationship with your boyfriend. 

4. My friend has become smug in love, what do I do?

If you really value your friendship with this person, give her a heads up. Have a coffee or a rollie with her and just say, “hey, have you noticed that you haven’t really been hanging out with any of your friends recently?” The vast majority of the time, someone who has become smug in love and ditched all their friends as a result hasn’t noticed that this has happened. They’re in a constant state of post-sex joy and they’ve let their priorities slip. If you bring the situation to your friend’s attention, there’s a good chance she’ll come to her senses.

However, as always, this is also an opportunity for you to get over yourself. If your friend decides that she likes her boyfriend way more than she likes her friends, you mustn’t be bitter. People are allowed to like other people more than they like you, and people are allowed to decide to ditch all their friends and hang out with their boyfriends full time. It’s probably not a great idea, but it’s a reality.

Smugness in summation:

If you are happy and in love and having loads of really good sex, keep it to yourself. Your friends are happy for you, but they do not need the details. Stay gorgeous, don’t be smugly.