Listen, I’ve never actually had any level of real social anxiety. And between the ages of 20 and 24, I was living in one city with one unchanging friend group, so I had no reason to even think about trying to get new friends or accrue acquaintances.

However, earlier this year, I moved to Lisbon and was confronted with the reality that I’d be meeting loads of new people and that I’d like some of them to be friends with me. Despite the fact that I am naturally predisposed to really love strangers, it was a little daunting to think that for the first time since my first year of college, first impressions were vital. I couldn’t help but wonder: “What if I’m a little freak now?”

I know that many, many girls are in the same position, and I know it can be tricky to navigate socialising with new people when you’ve spent several consecutive years just hanging out with all your favourites. Having now spent several months meeting new people, carefully monitoring my levels of success/failure, and observing the social skills of others, I believe I am perfectly placed to present this handy guide. If you follow these rules, you will never have to lie awake at night wondering if you’ve humiliated yourself socially. 

1. FUNDAMENTAL IDEOLOGY: DON’T BE YOURSELF

I always think of that crazy Google employee policy: “Bring your whole self to work.” It means, basically, that you should be yourself completely in the workplace. Bring your bad mood, bring your political opinions, bring it all with you.* It is no business of mine how Google wish to instruct their tech-y men, but I am here to tell you that if you wish to succeed among anyone other than hoody-wearing boys with computer science degrees: do not bring your whole self to the social function.

When I am speaking with people who have brought their whole selves to the conversation, I am invariably in hell. Allow me to explain.

People care about certain things and don’t care about others. 

For example, I care about:

• Britney Spears’ new song
• Having a coffee

I don’t care about:

• Sport 
• Germs
• Your dreams if I’m not in them
• Food
• AI 
• Your boyfriend 
• Concepts
• UFOs
• Cryptocurrency 

But when I’m having a conversation, it’s not about me: my identity, my values, and my interests are all secondary to what I am doing. And what I am doing is having a conversation. Conversation is a full and complete activity. The conversation itself is what’s happening – it’s not about the subject matter, not what you care about, not who you are.

I notice this all the time. Someone is keen to make a point or communicate an idea or tell a story. They think that getting to the end of this point or idea or story is essential because they think what they’re involved in is a verbal exchange of experiences and thoughts. 

What they need to understand is that thoughts and experiences have little to do with the success of a conversation. It is all about making sure each person involved has the right amount of time to smile, nod, laugh, react. This could mean that you never again get to fully vent about a bad day at work or gush about a documentary you just watched. And that’s ok. That’s what a diary is for. 

(Or, if you are as self-absorbed as I am, perhaps you should also start a blog, where you can give your unsolicited opinions full expositions without inflicting them on unwitting individuals in real life).

*Obviously I have barely researched how this actual policy works, but this is the vibe I’m getting. 

2. BE BASIC

Now that we understand being yourself is off limits, we can establish what you should be. And when in doubt, I’m telling you: be basic.

This one might seem too obvious. But if it’s so obvious, I have to wonder why so few people use this technique. 

If you’re in a social situation and you’re not sure what to discuss, tap into your inner middle-aged-woman-working-in-school-reception. What’s she talking about today? If it’s summer, she’s asking the other people in the office if they saw Love Island last night. If it’s winter, she’s asking if everyone’s started their Christmas shopping. 

An aside: I am acting on the assumption that everyone already knows conversation openers should always be questions, not statements. 

I.e. Your inner middle-aged-woman-working-in-school-reception should say: “What do you think of this heatwave?” NOT “It’s so hot the space between my tits is crying huge tears of sweat.” You can always make a statement mid-conversation, but the beginning is about facilitation, and facilitation depends entirely on open-ended questions. 

There are many major benefits to keeping your questions really basic:

1. Even the most boring people on the planet will be able to respond confidently
2. If you look a bit edgy, people will find your basic questions endearing and say that you’re surprisingly down to earth
3. If you look like a normie, people will appreciate the continuity between your appearance and your conversational style (people don’t like to be confused)
4. Your conversation partner can take the question anywhere they like: the pressure is off you completely
5. No one in their right mind can ever, ever say you’re a weirdo/self-involved/up yourself, so you just never have to worry about how you’re coming across

3. BE HELPFUL (BUT DO NOT ENGAGE IN BUTLER COSPLAY)

Nothing hits like someone who is unselfconsciously helpful. The world leader of this kind of social competence is the archetypal well-adjusted teenage girl. She drives, she plays hockey, she’s a big sister, she probably has loads of keys that jangle all the time. If this girl comes to your house for dinner, she helps you cook without worrying that she’s getting in the way. She helps you do the dishes and isn’t concerned that she doesn’t know where the plates go. She will, without a doubt, give you a lift. 

Helping your new acquaintance, without worrying about looking patronising or weird, is an incredible way to appear socially brilliant. But there’s a fine line here, because entering butler cosplay is the least attractive thing you could possibly do. 

The best way to demonstrate this line is, I think, with clear examples.

CONFIDENT HELPFULNESS:

New acquaintance wants to find a hairdresser who specialises in curly haircuts? No problem, you send them the Instagram of an amazing curly hairdresser.

BUTLER COSPLAY:

New acquaintance likes your skirt. You offer to give it to them.

CONFIDENT HELPFULNESS:

New acquaintance is struggling with their bags. You take one off their hands without overthinking it.

BUTLER COSPLAY:

The toilet breaks at your new acquaintance’s house during a party. You find the toolkit below the sink and start performing DIY on the cistern. 

It’s not so complex, really. And it’s a sure fire way to win hearts and minds if you can get it right.

4. DEPRIORITISE SPEECH

Don’t get me wrong, talking is great if you’re good at it. Really effective way to communicate. But it’s actually not so vital when it comes to impressing socially.

Laughter is much more effective as a tool for getting the girls to like you. People would much rather be around someone who makes them feel funny than be around someone who is funny. If you remember one piece of direct advice from this whole piece, please let it be this: laugh, laugh, laugh.

If you find it difficult to laugh on command, keep a show reel of fool-proof laugh material in your mind during conversations with dull people. You might be thinking: “But Susie, what if I laugh at the wrong time! What if it’s a serious conversation!” Doesn’t matter. If anything, laughing at inappropriate times will help your new acquaintances see their problems in a more lighthearted way.  

5. IMMEDIATELY AND PERMANENTLY STOP DOING THESE THINGS

If you’re in a situation with new people, you should NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES engage in the following behaviours. 

• Bringing up climate change
• Talking about your boyfriend
• Coming up with and enforcing inside jokes 
• Complaining
• Telling any anecdote that centres on your own successes or virtues
• Telling any anecdote that goes on for longer than six minutes
• Scrolling on your phone (?? crazily weird rude and COMMON behaviour)
• Talking about how busy you are
• Banter
• Alluding to exercise of any kind

These activities are blacklisted. You will never be asked to hang out with anyone ever again if you’re up to that kind of shite.

GO FORTH AND PROSPER ❤

Needless to say, this guide is based on nothing but my own completely unreasonable opinions. But I do fully believe you’ll perform x10 better than the average person if you strictly adhere to these guidelines in social situations. 

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