Surviving Winter is no joke and I sincerely don’t think people talk about it enough. I am hoarse saying that the government needs to prioritise the creation of a big fake hot sun to put in the sky between October and February. It is not normal to spend four months of the year in darkness and we shouldn’t be expected to accept it as part of life. 

For the record, I included “Autumn” in the title to pander to conformists who believe in the prescribed structure of the seasons. But let’s get one thing straight: Autumn doesn’t exist and anyone who says it’s their favourite season is a shit talker. If the days are getting shorter and your hands are too cold and wet to roll a rollie at the bus stop, I’m sorry, but it’s Winter. Don’t care if Hallowe’en hasn’t happened yet.

It is my belief that Winter began yesterday for everyone in the world. Yesterday morning here in Lisbon, it rained for the first time since April. And when I arrived at Starbucks at 9am to begin a long day of drinking silly coffee and half working, the whole menu was orange-toned and pumpkin spicy. I’ve taken some pretty radical action to avoid the hell of Winter: I deliberately moved to a country where the dark months are nowhere near as soul-destroying as they are in the UK or Ireland – and, to be fair, the temperature will be back to 28 by this weekend. However, the sight of the pumpkin spice menu forced me to see the truth: I need to accept the possibility that Winter vibes will continue to sneak into my life.

This is a guide to help the girls who, like me, feel a constant vague sense of dread in the pit of the stomach from mid-September until mid-January. In particular, it’s for the girls who do not have boyfriends at this time, as I know all cuffed girls will be in bed watching documentaries and eating takeaway four nights a week with their boyfriends for the next five months regardless of my advice. 

1) ACCEPTANCE

Before we can even begin to build the foundations of a survivable single Winter, I need you to accept a difficult truth: the things that make us happy during the bright months cannot and will not make us happy in the dark months. 

In fact, the things we find joyous in Summer are actively depressing in the Winter. Going out constantly and being hungover with your friends all the time is fun and giggly from May until August. After the mid-September cut off point, however, it’s the most depressing thing in the world: it’s scagged out, it’s wrote off, it’s often enough to induce world-class mental breakdown. 

Tragically, full-time chilling also falls into this category. Spending a full Summer’s day in your PJs chain-smoking in the kitchen with your friends is undeniably one of life’s great pleasures. In the Winter, if you engage in this activity, you are likely to suffer shattering levels of self loathing for days after. 

I should also warn, at this point, to lay off the Real Housewives in Winter. The wives can only be entertaining when it’s bright for more than 12 hours a day. As soon as the evenings draw in, you will become painfully aware you’re choosing to watch 14 women with alcohol dependencies screaming at each other. Not worth it. Exploitative television can only be celebrated when it’s sunny. 

2) BE WELL ADJUSTED

We’ve accepted that real joy – the kind of joy you get from silly going out or full-time chilling –  is unattainable in the Winter. Thus, we have got to focus on a different kind of joy: smug joy. 

Smug joy is the prize of the well adjusted and it is not to be sneered at: it hits really well and is actually easier to achieve when you’re free from the innate excessively indulgent vibes of the Summer.

I suppose being well adjusted is a whole lifestyle, but there are a few simple tricks you can use to cheat your way to this state of being.

Stop binge watching. Only watch shows that are coming out right now. The sensation of watching something in real time will link you to the reality of the outside world even if you’re spending loads of time indoors. Plus, you’ll have something to look forward to on a regular basis even when you’re in the hellish pits of Winter. The current season of Married at First Sight UK is a great place to start. MAFS is also a wonderful reminder that you actually don’t want a boyfriend this Winter, as every single person on that show is suffering.

Listen to the radio. My theory is that our parents all used to play the radio in the kitchen all the time, like at breakfast or while doing the ironing. By listening to the radio, we allow ourselves to return to the warmth of childhood, when Winter was not so disturbing for the soul. 

Attempt the cryptic crossword. You just can’t argue with the well-adjusted nature of crosswords. In the kitchen doing the crossword? So well adjusted. In the pub doing the crossword? Literally just so well adjusted. 

Use the oven. If dinner requires the use of the oven in addition to the use of the hob, the meal becomes stand-alone objective evidence that you are on top of things. Some might even consider the use of the oven to be a kind of ‘re-parenting’.

3) WOOL

Throw your pussy into wool. This, really, is the fillet steak of Winter. My reasoning is threefold:

1. Curating a collection of wool jumpers is automatically something to be really proud of. You know you’ll be exhibiting this collection every year for the rest of your life (because high-quality wool lasts a lifetime) so you can make it feel like you’re investing in your own future
2. You can only get decent 100% wool items in the charity shop, and charity shopping is the most Winter-friendly, well-adjusted activity in the universe
3. The performance of the charity shop haul for your flatmates when you get home will excite and delight both you and your audience, leaving all parties in a great mood and providing a positive atmosphere in the home on what is probably an otherwise freezing and grotty afternoon

4) CELEBRATE THE DISAPPEARANCE OF YOUR OWN BODY

It was the hottest Summer of all time. Although this hit really well, I must say I am really sick of the sight of my own legs. I have not been in a position to reasonably wear jeans for the last four months – it would have looked like an act of protest and I would likely have sweat through them. 

As I sit here now, in my sub-zero-air-conditioned Starbucks-cum-co-working-space, I am jubilant at the sight of my bejeaned legs. And for all of you in the UK and Ireland, you may not have to glimpse your own limbs at all for the next four months. A welcome break. One should not have to look at one’s own extremities for such long periods of time. 

5) BUYING THINGS

Sometimes, buying things is the right thing to do. I always assumed that I was destined to be in a state of despair every Winter until I died. I didn’t think any material possessions could lift me from the seemingly cosmic hell that befalls me every October. But, girls, I was so wrong.

I’ve compiled a short list of things that will drastically improve your mental health in the coming months. Every item is an urgent buy.

1. As many Himalayan salt lamps as you can lay your hands on – Lidl always stocks them at this time of year because they have their little fingers on the PULSE of consumer needs
2. At least €40 worth of pastel-coloured candles from Sostrene Grene – best to buy in bulk as you will struggle to convince self to leave house and restock
3. A milk frother – silly coffee vital at this time
4. A vape – for when you cannot leave the bed for a rollie but will die without
5. Two hot water bottles – one to wear down the front of your trousers when you have to go supermarket, another to keep sofa warm while you are gone 

The possession of these five items will, I swear on my life, make life manageable. 

BE A WINNER THIS WINTER

I am confident that if you follow the above guidelines to the letter, this will be the least traumatic Winter of your life. Don’t get a boyfriend just to carry you through until Christmas – you don’t want one. The perfect combination of salt lamps and smug joy will radiate from your being and into the dark afternoons ahead. You can do it, ladies.