It’s time for us to address a very real and criminally overlooked phenomenon. Ladies, I’m talking about the Dublin Husband Conundrum (DHC). Let me explain.

I, like almost every other 20-something who went to college in Dublin, have left the city in an attempt to avoid spending 80% of my salary on rent. And yes, right now, I am enjoying the perks of not being in Dublin. (Love to be able to afford cigarettes and diet coke, love access to underground public transport, absolutely love not running into enemies and acquaintances every time I leave my house). 

The fact remains, however, that I will be returning to Dublin no matter what. I am pathologically disinterested in “travel” and the truth is that my sentimental attachment to the city outweighs all practical considerations. And while many Irish emigrants in their 20s claim they’ll never return, we all know most of them are pathetically denying their deep longing to settle in their homeland. I know that – just like me – most Irish women living abroad are facing the reality of the DHC. Whether they dare to admit it or not. 

Here are raw facts of the Conundrum: 

1. We’ve all left Dublin because we can’t afford to live there
2. We all know we need to return to Dublin in order to feel spiritually complete in the long run
3. We cannot move back to Dublin until we have husbands who can financially enable us to live there
4. We cannot find Dublin husbands, as we are not in Dublin

I know, I know, it feels like an impossible web of disappointment. But never fear, ladies. I’ve been giving this serious thought and I’ve come up with some foolproof rules to beat the system, source the man, and subsequently secure the accommodation.

Caveat No. 1:

This is not about getting a boyfriend. All you have to do is open your eyes and take a quick glance at the world around you to realise nothing on Earth could be more detrimental to one’s mental health. I’ve witnessed, with almost total consistency, that a woman’s quality of life spirals directly into The Pits as soon as she gets the boyfriend. This is about getting a husband. And – more to the point – a house in the city you love.

Caveat No. 2: 

This is also not about getting a Georgian townhouse in D6. I have no insight into rich men or how to woo them. This is about the road to dual income for a mortgage, not the road to doing your weekly shop at Lennox Street Grocers. 

Rule 1: Save your stamina

When on a mission to end up in Dublin, you can’t waste your energy on dead ends. You must search for the man who could, at some point, facilitate your future life. Don’t get me wrong – this doesn’t mean you can only go out with boys who are from/have a special fondness for Dublin. If you’re living outside Ireland, this would be nearly impossible. But you have to be smart about it. You can safely rule out several categories of men without wasting any time. 

Men from the south of England, for instance, are a no-go. There’s no way they’re paying Dublin mortgage prices. They’ll always be thinking they could pay the same to live in London. 

Men under the age of 30, too, are totally unfeasible. It’ll be another ten years before they’re prepared to stop “travelling” and start doing up the kitchen in your cottage in Drimnagh. 

Though initially I felt ridiculous telling the men “I don’t go out with boys from the south of England” and “I’m not interested in dating men under 30,” I now know these mantras are essential to my long-term success.

Rule 2: Go ham at home

And what’s to be done with all the energy you’ve saved by not going out with non-starters? It must be unleashed upon every eligible man in Ireland when you’re visiting home. Naturally, timing plays a big part in this strategy. December 12th – January 2nd is the best window of opportunity by a huge margin. 

When I tell you to unleash your energy at home, I’m not just talking about going on a few big nights out with your college friends – although obviously you have to do that, too. I’m talking about going back to basics. 

We are once again in a position where we can’t own property unless we have a man. It is time to put on your Brontë sister boots. Think about all your parents’ friends, now think about their sons. Think about every single boy you went to school with. Think about the boys your big brother went to school with. Think of the boys whose names you’ve been familiar with for your entire life. Then go to every event and/or location where they might be.

My logic is thus: if you’re from the same town as a man, if you went to his school or if you know his mother, if you know that his sister used to go out with a boy who worked in the local chemist – you could marry him without ever having to be his girlfriend. You’ve both got so much context already, why bother with any of the in-between carry-on? Once he’s your husband, it’ll be easy peasy to convince him to move to Dublin and settle down.

If you can pull it off, this Victorian approach is by far the most effective tactic in overcoming the DHC. I urge you all to give it your very best shot.

Rule 3: Alternate app locations

Even if you’re living on a different continent right now, occasionally set your Hinge location to your ideal Dublin neighbourhood. It’s good to stay in the peripheral vision of your future husbands. 

I am comforted by the knowledge that the men of Harold’s Cross see me every once in a while. This kind of passive advertising could be the key to seeming familiar and approachable when these same men inevitably spot me in Hogan’s at Christmas.

Rule 4: Look incredible at the airport

It’s a no-brainer. When you’re fishing for an Irish husband, but 99% of eligible Irish men live abroad and so do you, where are you most likely to run into your future life partner? Dublin Airport.

I know it’s not easy to look sexy before, after, or during the flight – but you must try your best. And there are some sure-fire strategies you can employ to make things easier.

I find the most effective way to look good while engaged in international travel is to have a uniform. Pick out your flying outfit and never veer from this decision. Set a reminder on your phone to spritz your flying uniform with your most treasured perfume before you leave the house. Use the flight itself as an opportunity for mass hydration – both through the application of moisturiser and the consumption of 500000mls of water – to make sure you look fresh as you make your entrance to Arrivals. Keep a lightly tinted lip balm on your person at all times. Don’t slouch. When in the vicinity of the airport, read the book, don’t scroll the phone. And for the love of God, ensure that you are bronzed.

Rule 5: Keep the faith

I know your future as a Dublin woman and wife might seem like an impossibility right now, but I urge you to hold onto hope. You may be concerned that all of Ireland’s most eligible bachelors are engaging in serious relationships with women in other countries right now. On this subject, I say: wait it out. 

When it comes to relationships between men from Ireland and women from countries like England or America or Australia, we need not worry. These ladies probably don’t even like your future husband – they’re just hypnotised by the inherent charm of his accent. They’ll release him when he’s 35, ready to go home, and prepared to provide half a deposit for your house.

Ladies, if we stay focused, follow the guidelines, and say no to despair, I know we can outsmart the DHC. I hope to run into every last one of you in the airport in the coming months – standing tall, smelling delicious, and sporting a phenomenal tan.